【已领】亲子12ThingstoRememberWhenYo

　　标题：12ThingstoRememberWhenYourChildGetsAngry
　　source：ahaparenting
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　　Sinsidethem。。。Chancesaretheywerealreadyfeelingnotverygoodaboutthemselvesbeforetheoutburstandtheisolationjustservestoconfirmintheirownmindsthattheywereright。OttoWeininger，Ph。D。TimeInP
　　Whenourkidsgetangry，itpushesbuttonsformostofus。Wrenotperfect，butwetrytobelovingparents。Whyisourchildlashingoutlikethis？
　　Mcalmdown。Afterall，whatelsecanwedo？Wsfurious。Isnotimetoteachlessonsoraskforanapology。Sheneedstocalmdown。
　　Ifwesendhimtohisroom，hewillindeedcalmdown，eventually。Hllalsohavegottenaclearmessagethathisangerisunaccep，tknowhowtohelphim。Hthaveworkedthroughwhateverledtohisanger。Instead，llhavestuffedtheanger，snolongerunderconsciouscontrol，andwillburstoutagainsoon。Nowondersomanyofusdevelopangermanagementissues，whetherthatmeansweyellatourkids，throwtantrumswithourpartner，orovereattoavoidacknowledgingangryfeelings。
　　Whatcanwedoinstead？Wecanhelpourkidslearntomanagetheirangerresponsibly。Thatbeginswithacceptingangerwithoutactingonit。
　　Thisisoneofthemostcriticaltasksofchildhoodlearningtotoleratethewoundsofeverydaylifewithoutmovingintoreactiveanger。Peoplewhocandothisareabletoresolvechallengesmoreconstructively。Wecallthememotionallyintelligent。
　　Kidslearnemotionalintelligencewhenweteachthemthatalltheirfeelingsareokay，buttheyalwayshaveachoiceabouthowtheyact。How？
　　Whenyourchildgetsangry：
　　1。Takeadeepbreath。Remindyourselfthatthereisnoemergency。Keepyourselffrommovingintofightorflight。Thiswillhelpcalmyourchild，andmodelemotionalregulation。
　　2。Rswayofhelpingsmallpeopleletoffsteam。Ttyethavetheneuralpathwaystocontrolthemselvesaswedo。（Atalwaysregulateourangerverywell，evenasadults！）
　　Thebestwaytohelpchildrendevelopthoseneuralpathwaysistoofferempathy，reangryandatothertimes。Isokgood，actuallyforyourchildtoexpressthosetangled，angry，hurtfeelings。Afterwesupportkidsthroughatantrum，theyfeelclosertousandmoretrusting。Theyfeellesswoundupinside，sotheycanbemoreemotionallygenerous。Ttasrigidanddemanding。
　　3。Rfight，response。Tsadefenseagainstthreat。Occasionallythatthreatisoutsideus，forinstance，whenabigbrotherknocksdownablocktower。Bt。Wrecarryingaroundoldstuffedemotionslikehurt，fearorsadness。Wshappeninginthemomenttriggersthoseoldfeelings，andwegointofightmodetotrytostuffthemdownagain。
　　Lossesanddisappointmentscanfeelliketheendoftheworldtoachild，andkidswilldoanythingtofendofftheseintolerablefeelings，sotheycryandrageandlashout。Iftheyfeelsafeexpressingtheiranger，andwemeetthatangerwithcompassion，theirangerwillbegintomelt。
　　Ssanger，ttheangerthatishealing。Istheexpressionofthetearsandfearsbeneaththeangerthatwashesoutthehurtandsadnessandmakestheangervanish，snolongernecessaryasadefense。
　　4。Dssafe。Dttrytoteach，reasonorexplain。Wthavewhatshewants，orgethertoadmitthatsheactuallylovesherlittlesister。Justacknowledgehowupsetsheis：Youaresoupsetaboutthis。。。Issohard。
　　5。Setwhateverlimitsarenecessarytokeepeveryonesafe，whileacknowledgingtheangerandstayingcompassionate。Yresomad！Youcanbeasmadasyouwant，buthittingisnotok，nomatterhowupsetyouare。Youcanstomptoshowmehowmadyouare，butItletyouhitme。
　　6。Setlimitsonactionsonly，notonfeelings。Themorecompassionateyoucanbe，themorelikelyyourchildwillfindhiswaytothetearsandfearsundertheanger：Oh，Sweetie，Imsorrythisissohard。。。YresayingIneverunderstandyou。。。thatmustfeelsoterribleandlonely。Ythavetoagreeorargue。Justacknowledgehistruthinthemoment。Oncehefeelsheard，histruthwillshift。
　　7。Keepyourselfsafe。Kidsoftenbenefitfrompushingagainstus，soifyoucantolerateitandstaycompassionate，sfinetoallow。Butifyourchildishittingyou，moveaway。Ifshepursuesyou，ItthinkIwantthatangryfistsoclosetome。Iseehowangryyouare。YoucanhitthepillowImholding，orpushagainstmyhands，butItletyouhurtme。Ktreallywanttohurtusitscaresthemandmakesthemfeelguilty。Mostofthetime，whenwemoveintocompassionandtheyfeelheard，kidsstophittingusandstartcrying。
　　8。Stayascloseasyoucan。Ysangry。Ifyouneedtomoveawaytostaysafe，Itletyouhurtme，soImmovingbackabit，butIamrighthere。Wrereadyforahug，Imrighthere。IGoaway！Yretellingmetogoaway，soIammovingbackastep，ok？Itleaveyoualonewiththesescaryfeelings，butIwillmoveback。
　　9。Dsoverreacting。Osoverreacting！Btevennotice。Tthem。Stgorightnowtogettheredcupoutofthecar，soktojustlovinglywelcomehismeltdown。Mostofthetime，taboutthebluecup，sdemanding。Whenchildrengetwhinyandimpossibletoplease，theyusuallyjustneedtocry。
　　10。Acknowledgingherangerwillhelphercalmdownabit。Thenhelphergetundertheangerbysofteningyourself。Ifyoucanreallyfeelcompassionforthisstrugglingyoungperson，llfeelitandrespond。Dtanalyze，justempathize。YImsosorry，Sweetie。Onceyourecognizethefeelingsundertheanger，shewillprobablypauseandstoplashingout。Yllseesomevulnerabilityoreventears。Youcanhelphersurfacethosefeelingsbyfocusingagainrepeatedlyontheoriginaltrigger：Ithavetheyouwant，Sweetie。Imsorrythisissohard。Whenourlovingcompassionmeetsherwound，swhenshecollapsesintoourarmsforagoodcry。Andallthoseupsetfeelingsevaporate。
　　11。AFTERscalmeddown，youcantalk。Dtstartbylecturing。Tellastorytohelphimputthisbigwaveofemotionincontext。Thoseweresomebigfeelings。。。everyoneneedstocrysometimes。。。Youwanted。。。。Isaidno。。。Youwereverydisappointed。。。Yougotsoangry。。。。Undertheanger，youweresosadanddisappointed。。。。Thankyouforshowingmehowyoufelt。。。。Ifhejustwantstochangethesubject，lethim。Youcancirclebacktobringclosurelaterinthedayoratbedtime，resnuggling。ButmostchildrenWANTtohearthestoryofhowtheygotmadandcried，sastory，notalecture。Ithelpsthemunderstandthemselves，andmakesthemfeelheard。
　　12。Whataboutteaching？Ythavetodoasmuchasyouthink。Yourchildknowswhatshedidwaswrong。Itwasthosebigfeelingsthatmadeherfeellikeitwasanemergency，andnecessarytobreaktherule。Byhelpingherwiththeemotions，remakingarepeatinfractionlesslikely。
　　Waituntilaftertheemotionalclosure，andthenkeepitsimple。Recognizethatpartofherwantstomakeabetterchoicenexttime，andalignwiththatpart。Besuretogiveherachancetopracticeabettersolutiontoherproblem。Whenwegetreallyangry，likeyouwereangryatyoursister，weforgethowmuchwelovetheotherperson。Treourenemy。Right？Youweresoverymadather。Weallgetmadlikethatandwhenweareverymad，wefeellikehitting。Butifwedo，resorrythatwehurtsomeone。Wewishwecouldhaveusedourwords。Whatcouldyouhavesaidordone，insteadofhitting？
　　Acceptingemotionslikethisisthebeginningofresilience。Gradually，yourchildwillinternalizetheabilitytoweatherdisappointment，talwaysgetwhathewants，hecanalwaysgetsomethingbettersomeonewholovesandacceptsallofhim，includingtheyuckypartslikerageanddisappointment。Htdangeroustheycanbetoleratedwithoutactingonthem，andtheypass。Gradually，sfurious。
　　Yllhavetaughthimhowtomanagehisemotions。Allhavestrengthened，ratherthaneroded，yourbondwithhim。Allbytakingadeepbreathandstayingcompassionateinthefaceofrage。Soundssaintly，Iknow，talwaysbeabletopullitoff。Buteverytimeyoudo，llbemakingasmallmiracle。