父爱无言

　　Does your father say ＂I love you,＂ or express it in another way?
　　你的父亲会跟你说＂我爱你＂或者以其他方式表达爱意吗？
　　Men may not be from Mars, but – compared to women – they do communicate in very different ways.
　　也许男人不是来自火星，但是与女人相比，男人的沟通方式确实很不一样。
　　Perhaps nowhere is this more evident than in the relationships of fathers and sons. Outwardly, many father and son pairs may appear distant and disengaged. A guy who wouldn’t think twice about hugging and kissing his mom might offer his father only a stilted handshake. Dads who shower their daughters with affection may go years without telling their sons they love them. Men are often chided by their wives or mothers for not being willing to show more affection to their dads or their sons.
　　其中最明显的莫过于父子之间的关系。当父亲和儿子出现在外面时通常是保持距离且无交流。男孩们会毫不犹豫的给妈妈一个拥抱和亲吻，跟爸爸却只是生硬的握握手。爸爸给予女儿的爱可能会持续很多年，却不会告诉儿子父亲爱他们。男人经常会因为不想对自己的父亲或儿子表达爱意而受到妻子和母亲的斥责。
　　Such criticisms overlook a larger truth, one that I’ve spent years exploring as a communication researcher: Often for men, showing affection is more about what they do than what they say. Their ways of communicating love can be subtle. And while to outside observers they may seem like weak substitutes for genuine affection, to many fathers and sons they’re every bit as meaningful as words, kisses and hugs.
　　这类批评忽略了一个事实，作为沟通研究专家，我已经从事这项研究很多年，这个事实是：男人通常是通过行动而非言语来表达爱意。他们表达爱意的方式很微妙。这种方式对于外界来说可能看起来只是真挚感情脆弱的替代品，但是对于许多父亲和儿子来说这种方式和言语、拥抱、亲吻一样重要。
　　Different ways of expressing love
　　表达爱意的不同方式。
　　Glenn, a 41-year-old participant in one of my studies, has what many people would call a typical relationship with his dad, R.J. On Sundays, Glenn and his wife often visit Glenn’s parents. While Glenn’s wife catches up with her mother-in-law, Glenn and R.J. watch television, tinker with R.J.‘s car or tackle a household repair, barely saying a few dozen words to each other over the course of an hour.
　　在我的研究项目里有一名参与者叫葛兰（Glenn），41岁，他和父亲R.J.就有着人们所说的特殊关系。葛兰和妻子通常在周日拜访葛兰的父母。葛兰的妻子会和婆婆一起聊天叙旧，葛兰和父亲一起看电视，修理父亲的汽车或者修理房子，一个小时内都说不上多少话。
　　In many relationships, these behaviors seem cold or distant. But in the case of Glenn and R.J., the two simply favor actions over words.
　　在许多关系中这种行为貌似冷漠疏离，但是对于葛兰和父亲来说他们更倾向于行动而不是语言。
　　My research on affectionate behavior has consistently shown that, in general, men are more likely to communicate affection by doing something supportive than by making verbal expressions, such as saying or writing ＂I love you.＂
　　在我对亲密行为的研究中已经不断证实了这种现象，在一般情况下，男人之间更喜欢通过支持性的行动来交流感情，而不是通过说或者写＂我爱你＂之类的话。
　　While I’ve found that this is especially true in their relationships with other men, it’s also true in their relationships with women. With his guy friends, a typical man is more likely to show his affection by organizing a road trip or helping with a roof repair than by saying ＂I care about you.＂ Around his wife or mother, he may be more inclined to help with a task that needs doing – mowing the lawn or rotating the tires on the car – than sending a Hallmark card.
　　这种方式也适用于男人和其他男人的关系，也适用于和女人的关系。在和男性朋友的关系中，一个典型的男人更喜欢通过组织一场公路旅行或者修理房顶来表达感情，而不是说＂我在意你＂。在妻子和妈妈周围，男人更倾向帮助她们完成一件任务，例如修剪草坪或者转动汽车轮胎，而不是给她们一张贺卡。
　　It’s easy to devalue these types of behaviors as substitutes for ＂real＂ affection. For example, Glenn’s wife believes that Glenn and his father prioritize shared activities because they don’t know how to express the way they feel about each other.
　　这种行为很容易被低估为＂真实＂感情的替代品，例如葛兰的妻子认为葛兰和父亲倾向于在一起行动是因为他们不知道如何表达对彼此的感觉。
　　However, Glenn and his dad say that their favorite, most meaningful times together are spent sharing an activity or working on a specific task. To them, that is the expression of love: it signifies and reinforces how they feel about each other.
　　然而葛兰和父亲说他们最喜欢的最有意义的时候是一起行动或者一起做一项特殊的任务。对于他们来说，这就是爱的表达：这显示和增强了他们对对方的感觉。
　　The tension between intimacy and masculinity
　　亲密行为和男子气概之间的紧张关系
　　It’s easy to understand why many dads and sons appear indifferent to each other. At least in our culture, affection is commonly communicated through verbal expressions and also through nonverbal gestures such as hugging.
　　父亲和儿子对对方表现冷漠，原因很容易理解。至少在我们的文化里，通常通过语言和非语言的行为如拥抱来表达感情。
　　Both of these are less common in relationships between men, making it seem as though there’s something missing. But what’s really at play is a misunderstanding about the complexity of father-son relationships.
　　男人之间却很少这样，使之看起来好像缺少了什么。但是事实上这是对复杂的父子关系的一种误解。
　　Family communication scholar Mark Morman and I have found that the father and son pair is complicated by the need to negotiate a complex tension between masculinity and intimacy.
　　我和家庭沟通专家马克·莫曼（Mark Morman）发现父子间关系非常复杂，他们需要平衡男性气概和亲密行为之间的紧张关系。
　　On one hand, the bond between dads and sons is a family relationship. People tend to feel closer and more invested in their families than they do in many other social bonds.
　　一方面，父亲和儿子属于家庭关系。相对于其他社会关系，人们对家人关系更亲近，投入更多。
　　On the other hand, the father and son pair is a relationship between two males – one that’s subject to cultural expectations about how men are supposed to act toward each other. Traditional masculinity has tended to privilege qualities like competition, independence and self-sufficiency. This comes at the expense of outward expressions of intimacy, which can convey vulnerability.
　　另一方面，父子关系属于男人之间的关系，他们如何对待彼此受到文化期望的影响。传统上讲男性气概有许多品质诸如竞争、独立、自给自足等。这使得以牺牲亲密关系的外在表现为代价，因为这会传达出男性的脆弱。
　　Wishing for more
　　期望更多
　　Glenn told me that his dad became less outwardly affectionate toward him once Glenn became a teenager. I’ve found this evolution in the father and son relationship is quite common. At a certain point, many dads and sons will base their relationships on shared activities instead of shared words. Meanwhile, fathers tend not to curtail verbal displays of affection with their daughters in the same way, nor do mothers with their sons or daughters.
　　葛兰对我说他的父亲在他长大后对他表达的感情更少。我发现这种父子关系的变化是一种普遍现象。在某个节点，父亲和儿子会把言语交流转变为一起行动。同时，父亲不会和女儿减少情感交流，同样的母亲也不会和儿女减少情感交流。
　　Like Glenn’s wife and mother, many women wonder aloud why the men in their lives aren’t more expressive and open. From time to time, even Glenn wished aloud that he and his dad could talk about their feelings for each other more directly.
　　男人在其一生很少表达和放开自己，许多女人和葛兰的妻子和母亲一样对此大惑不解。许多次甚至葛兰都希望自己和父亲可以更加直接地通过聊天来表达他们的感情。
　　As I explain in my book ＂The Loneliness Cure,＂ there’s nothing wrong with wanting a more expressive relationship. Indeed, many men do successfully become more verbally affectionate with their fathers or their sons.
　　正如我的书《孤独疗愈》中所说的，＂想要更多地表达感情并没有什么错＂。实际上，许多男人也成功地通过语言对父亲和儿子表达了更多的感情。
　　There’s an important lesson here, though: Many male relationships are already richer and more meaningful than they appear to be. And the unique way men relate to one another deserves to be honored rather than belittled. ■
　　尽管如此，这也给我们上了重要的一课：许多男人之间的关系已经比表面上看起来更加丰富，更加有意义，男人间独特的交流方式应当受到尊重，而不是被轻视。■