婚恋：AspergerLove：LovelessOrUnlo

　　标题：AspergerLove：LovelessOrUnlovedLovers
　　作者：SaschaVongehr
　　原文链接：http：www。science20。comalphamemeaspergerlovelovelessorunlovedlovers138582
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　　IntimeforAutisticPrideDay18June：
　　Whydopeoplecongratulatesomebody？Asperger’ssufferersoftendonotunderstandthis。Iaskedmyself：
　　“I’vewonthelottery，sowhyadditionallycongratulateme？Ifcongratulationissomethingpositive，whygiveittosomeonewhohasjustbeenluckyalready？”
　　Hence，wefeelawkwardandperhapsevenannoyedanddisturbedbybeingcongratulated，becauseitisasocialinteractionthatwefeeluncomforwithandthatfeelslikean‘unfairdistributionofniceties’。Congratulationsareespeciallystressfulbecausetheyusuallyoccurclosetogetherintime，likeonbirthdaysforexample，adaythatmanyofusdislikepartiallyforthatreason。
　　Aftermanyyears，somethinghelpedmetounderstandwhatcongratulationsreallyare。Asanactiveestablishedacademic，Iamnotatlibertytodisclosewhatthatsomethingwas，sincewedonotliveinafreesociety，butInotherapistorfriendtoldme，noteacherorparent。Iwillnowtellyoumoreabouthowrationalityoftenfailstomakeupforthe“lack”ofamorenatural，unquestioningadoptionofsocialnormsandvarious“deficits”inaffectiveorcognitiveempathythatmayormaynotbethetrueproblematicofAsperger’ssyndrome。
　　Itisnottruethatacongratulationissimplyanexpressionofrespect，oraconfirmationaboutthattheonewhocongratulatesmeonmyachievementoraccomplishmenthasnoticedmysuccess，whichisasociallyimportantproofforhowintelligentorhardworkingImaybe，howvaluable。Thatisonlypartofit，butexchangeofstatusinformationcannotbetheessenceofcongratulatingbehavior，becauseassuchitwouldoftenbeindeedembarrassinglysilly：
　　“Whywouldacolleaguecongratulatemeonmypromotionwhenthenewtitleisrightthereontheofficedoor？”
　　Noticethatthisinterpretationintermsofa‘confirmationofstatuschange’isasecondwayofapproachingthisparticularsocialinteractionrationally，anditismuchbetter，moresophisticatedthanthe‘unfairdistributionofniceties’above。Indeed，itisperhapsalreadybeyondthegraspofsurprisinglymanypeople。Nevertheless，althoughthisdescriptionpointstoanevolutionarysourceofthebehavior，thehypothesiseasilyfailstogoonandgraspany“deeperfeeling”thatmightbecorrelatedwithasincerecongratulation。Thatisanintellectualfailurebecausefeelingscanbedescribedasevolved，too。Thesocialisnottrivial。
　　Whatisstillabsenthereissomethingthatweontheautisticscalehaveaproblemwith：Love。Yes，Imeanthestrongword“love”，asImeanpreciselythatirrational，hardtojustifyfeelingthatmakessincerelovetobeloveandthusdifficultfortherational，rationalizing，justifyingmind。Asincerecongratulationisanexpressionoflove，agesturethatissupposedtotellmethatthepersonis“happyforme”thatthecongratulatingcoworkerforexampleisstillonmyside。Perhapshethinksthathedeservedthatpromotionmorethanme。However，hecaresaboutmeasapersonthatheknowsandenjoysworkingwith，desirestoreaffirmthisprotectivebondwithoutdoingsodrivenbymerecalculation，andthislove，althoughitisnotasstronglycoupledsuchastheloveofamothertoherchild，isstillstrongerthanthefactofhisbeingupsetwiththesituation。Thisiswhatthesincerecongratulationreallymeans，becausewithoutthisaspect，itisintoomanysituationsquiteinexplicable，especiallywithcongratulationsonmereluckthatcannotcountasanachievement。Missingthesincerity，theyfeelinsincere。
　　Withoutthatloveoffriendship，congratulationsareinsincere，amereactingoutofgoodmanners，butIhereemphasizethesincerecongratulation，becausethatiswhatIwanttorenderacceptotheAsperger’smind。Howmuchcongratulatingishypocriticalorinsincere？Thisishardtoquantifyandmeasure。However，manypeoplewithAsperger’ssyndromemaythinkthatalmostallorevenallofitis。Again，thisisanopinion，afeeling，becausethereisnoagreeduponmeasureforsincerity。Thisnegativefeelingisanotherreasonwhytheydonotlikethesesocialdances。Manydespiseinsincerebehavior，becausesuchisyetmoredifficulttounderstandthanhonestgestures，andperhapsbecauseinsincerityhurtsespeciallyAsperger’speoplemoreoften。
　　Asperger’smoralistdislikeforinsinceritydoesnotimplythatweareincapableofbeinginsincere。Ontheautismspectrum，oneoftenseemsmoresincereorfrank，evenbluntandinsensitive，becauseonemaynotapplyinsinceritywheresocietydemandsthatinsinceritybeapplied，suchaswhenanswering“DoIlookoldhoney？”orcongratulatingthesuperior。WhetherthatmakesAsperger’smoresincereisquestionable，andquantifyingsuchshouldincludeanyinsinceritythattheyapplyelsewhere。Thoseinstancesmaysimplybemissedbytheobserver，especiallywiththehighfunctioning，intelligentcases。
　　Iamfocusingonthesincerecongratulations，partiallyinordertoemphasizethatIfeelthatsuchdoexist。Ihaveperhapsunderestimatedtheimportanceorpredominanceofsincerecongratulations，perhapsevenduetoadismissalofsincerityasareactiontohavingfailedtoperformthisfunctionsincerelymyself，afacekeepingrationalizationifyouwill。Thereadermaywellbeabletonoticestronglynowhowmyownthinkingissymptomaticforthatlabel“Asperger’s”：Inabsenceofareliablequantitativemeasure，aclearmutuallyagreedupondefinitionof“sincerity”，anassessmentisnotmadeconfidently。Thiscanbedescribedasafailureandsufferingashortcoming，namelythatofsuccessfullyreachingforasociallyendorsednormandgoingonwithlife。Inmycase，Ichoosequestioningandpostmodernparalysis，whileacampusshootersuccumbedtorevengeforwhathefeelsisinsincerityallaround，disregardingandfindingexcusesforhisowninsincerity。
　　The‘uponmereluckcongratulation’，whichseemsundeservedbecauseitisexpressedwithouttherebeingatrueachievement，isinexplicablewithoutlove。Therefore，itisoftenseenasinsincere，andsoitisunsurprisinglythemostdisturbingcongratulationtothosewhohavedifficultieswithinterpretingandgivingexpressionsoflove。Moreover，themisinterpretationofuponmereluckcongratulationsasuponachievementcongratulationscanleadtoamisunderstanding，namelythecongratulationisfelttobeaninsult。Why？Wellsee，Isimilarlyamnotproudofmynationality，becauseIdidnothingtoactivelyachieveit。Therefore，receivingcongratulationsafterhavingwonalotteryfeelssimilartoanaccusationofoverlyproudpatriotism：
　　“Youcongratulateme，butthisisnoachievement，andyoutreatingitasone，especiallyifperhapsfeelingobligedtocongratulatemebecauseyoufeelthatImistakenlythinkitismyownaccomplishment，thatmeansyouthinkIamnave。ButIamnotoneofthosewhopridethemselvesforwindfalls，whoinheritedrichesyetlookdownuponthepoor，ordespisetheslowofmindasifanybodyearnedtheirownIQ！”
　　AndhereyouseeagainthattheAsperger’ssufferer，whoofteniscalledbluntandwithoutfeeling，isactuallysensitive，hypersensitive！Hemaybeasocialincertainways，butoftennotinthesenseofbeingunconcernedwiththesocial。Often，heisobsessedwiththesocial，thatsourceofhismostterriblepains。
　　Assaid，becauseitistodowithlove，namelyapersonexpressingthatshe“ishappyforme”，theissueisdifficulttounderstand。Ididnotunderstandwhat“happyforme”couldpossiblymean：
　　“Howcansomebodybehappyformeatall，howcananythingfeel‘forme’？Myfeelingismine，hisishisIcanneverfeelhis，exceptinthesenseofaffectiveempathy。Empathyisfeeling‘withme’，not‘forme’。Andwhywouldhebehappyaboutmypromotion‘forme’ifnotforhimself？！”
　　Sowhatdoesitmeanthatheishappyforme？Itismisleadinglanguagebutmostlikelyhasthefollowingpositiveinterpretation：Itmeansthatthepersonsignalsthathewishesmewellratherthanbad，andquitegenerallywantstoexpressthusthatheisafriendonmyside。Heexpressesthatheishappy‘formyhappiness’，becauseIam，becausethatmakeshimhappyandthispreciselyis‘love’initsapparentuselessness，inallitsthreateningirrationality，inallitsuncontrollabilitywhetheroutsideorinsideofme。Becauseifsincere，thereisnointentionnecessaryaboutthatyourcongratulatingbehaviorstrengthensausefulsocialbond，us。Andso，Icancongratulatemycolleagueonhisretirement，althoughhisretirementevenmeansthathenolongercollaborateswithus。
　　Youcongratulatemenowaftermyluckywin，thismaymeanpartiallythatthereisnoenvyinyou，becauseenvyquicklyturnsintowishingsomethingbadshouldhappentome，inordertocompensateforyourrelativelossortopunishme。Thiswouldbetheoppositeoflove，as‘love’impliesthatonewisheswellfortheloved，andbasicallyfornogoodreason，fornootherimmediategainbuttherewardthatlovingitselfcangiveintermsoffeelinggoodthatiswhyIusetheword“love”here，becausethatiswhatloveisfor，thatisitsevolvedfunctionalsoincaseofstrongmotherlylove。Butmoreover，nowaftermyluckywin，thistimingissimplyagoodopportunitytoshowlove。Afterall，andanAsperger’ssufferercanfeelempathywiththisaspectforsure，itisalwaysandforalmosteverybodyasomewhatembarrassingsocialinteractiontocongratulate，evenalthoughthereisanopportunityasanexcuse。Youshouldneithersmiletoolittlenortoomuch，elseitmaycomeacrossasinsincere，andsoon。Surelyonecannotblameanybodyforfeelingcompletelyoutofplacebysimplygoinguptoacoworkeratsomerandomtimeandsaying：
　　“Hey，IjustwantedtotellyouthatIamonyoursideandgotyourback，youknow，Ithinkwehaveapositiverelationgoingherebuddy。”
　　ThatindeedwouldbepreciselysomethingthatanautisticcaricaturelikeSheldonof“TheBigBangTheory”wouldcomeupwith，inordertosettlethetimingofsuchexpressionsoflove。IcouldwellimagineSheldondroppingalinelike：
　　“Andbytheway，Itoldyoubeforethatmyschedulingcallsforthisfriendshipconfirmationsessioneveryfirstofthemonth，soyoushouldnothavetakenyourdayoffyesterday！”
　　Iconcludethatespeciallythe‘uponmereluckcongratulation’offersanexcuseandhasthusbecometheopportunitytoeffectivelydoa“friendshipconfirmation”。Itpossiblyevolvedfromamereexchangeofstatusinformationaboutmeritedachievement，becauseitisusuallyanywaysfuzzyhowmuchachievementtherewasactuallyinvolvedandhowmuchsheerluckorevencheatingparticipated。
　　Extrovertshavefewproblemswithanyofthis，becausetheysimplybehaveinthesesituationsandfeelokdoingso。Thereislessdifficultyexperiencedwithexpressingloveandinterpretingexpressionsoflovethroughthebehaviorofothers。Personsonthehighfunctioning，weaklyautisticspectrum，suchasthosebeinglabeledwithAsperger’s，havedifficultypreciselywiththecorrectexpressionandinterpretationofwhatisexpressedbyothers。Itisverywrongtosaythattheydonotlove。Inmyestimation，theylovetheircoworkersmorethanthecoworkerseverlovethemback，becausetheyoftendohaveaplaceintheirheartfortheircoworkersforexample，whichoftenarethefewpeopletheyinteractwith，butthecoworkersalsomisinterpretandthinkthattheAsperger’ssuffererknowsnolove，andsoitisthepeoplearounduswhoindeedgivelessandlesslovebackinreturn。
　　Andsoweareindeedtheloveless，butinthesenseofthatwearetheunlovedlovers。