Does“Yes”Mean“Yes”？SexualConse

　　标题：Does“Yes”Mean“Yes”？SexualConsent，ManipulationandGaslighting
　　source：psychcentral丨LindaHatch
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　　Revelationsinrecentyearsastotheextentofsexualassaultoncampuses，inthemilitaryandinotherinstitutionalsettingshasleadtosomechangesintheideaofwhatconstitutes“consent”toasexualact。Thereisincreasingrecognitionthatsimplyfailingtosaytheword“no”doesnotautomaticallyimplyconsentinthesenseofactualwillingnesstodotheactinquestion。Hencethenewstandardthatonly“yes”means“yes”。Butdoesit？
　　Itisclearthatchildrenandteenswhoareunderthelegalageofconsentcannotlegally（ormeaningfully）say“yes”toasexact。Butthereareanynumberofothersituationsinwhichagreeingtoengageinasexactmaybetheproductofunduepressure，unequalpower，mentalabuseordeception。
　　Themostobviousofthesearecultsituationsandothersituationsinwhichadultsareconditionedbyintimidationorunduepressuretoconformendupagreeingtowholesetsofbehaviorsincludingsex。
　　Recruitingpeopleforthepurposeofpornographyprovidesaparticularlyweirdexample。Theageoflegalconsentvariesfromstatetostate。Ifyouare16inNevadayoucanlegallyconsenttosex。Butifthatconsensualsexactisfilmed，thenthepornographercanbechargedwithproducing“child”pornalthoughnoonecanbechargedwithstatutoryrape。
　　Consentandunequalpowerinrelationships
　　Adults，andwomeninparticular，“consent”tohavesexinallkindsofsituationsinwhichtheirwellbeingorthewellbeingofsomeonetheycareaboutisatstake。Anysituationofunequalpowerispotentiallyaplacewhere“yes”maynotreallymean“yes”。Theseincludeworkplaces，campuses，prisonsandreligiousinstitutions，nottomentionthemilitary。Sounequalpowercastsdoubtonwhetherconsentisfreelygiven，consentingeneralandsexualconsentinparticular。Acknowledgmentofthisfacthasleadtoperpetratorsofsexualharassmentbeingcivillyliable。Inthesecasesconsentisseenasnotrelevant，asdescribedhere：
　　“Giventhepowerdynamicsthatoftenoperatebetweenvictimandharasser，avictimmaynotresistormayevenconsenttosexualconductoutoffearofjoblossorotherrepercussionsifheorsheobjects。Inrecognitionofthisreality，sexualharassmentmayoccurevenifavictimconsents。”
　　Unequalpowerisnotalwaysbuiltintoasituationasitcanbeinaninstitutionalsetting。Unequalpowercanbecultivatedinarelationshipthroughvariouskindsofmanipulation。Itcanbeaprocessthatgraduallyerodesoneperson’sabilitytofreelychoose。Thisprocessisobviouswhensexualpredatorswhoarecoachesorclergygraduallywinthetrustofapotentialvictimandorunderminehisorhersenseofselfworth。
　　Manipulationandgaslighting
　　Buteveninsupposedlyequalrelationshipslikemarriages，onepartnercangraduallybreakdowntheotherperson’sabilitytotrusttheirownreality。Inotherwords，apersoncancometotrusttheirpartnermorethantheytrusttheirowninstincts。Thisisabreakdownofthenormalhumanboundariesthatprotectthesenseofself。Paralysisandfearreplacerationaldecisionmaking。Itisalsoaprocessthatfeedsonitselfinthatthepersonbeingmanipulatedisincreasinglyafraidandashamedaboutwhatothersmightthinkoftheirsituation，furtherunderminingtheirabilitytoact。
　　“Gaslighting”isthenametakenfromtheclassicmovieGaslightaboutthedeliberateattempttomakesomeonedoubttheirownsanity。Thiskindofconsciousattempttocontrolanotherperson’ssenseofrealityseemsquitesinisterandpathological。However，manyspousesofsexaddictsclaimtobethevictimofthiskindofmanipulation。Ratherthanasystematicattempttodestroytheirpartner’slife，thegaslightingoftenreportedbypartnersofsexaddictsseemstobepartoftheoverallattemptbytheaddicttocoverhisorhertracks。
　　Thepracticingaddictwantstostayindenialoftheirproblems。Thismakesthemexpertliarsandmanipulators。Theaddictalsowantstothrowtheirpartneroffthescentbyanymanipulationthatcomestohand。Thustheaddictmaytrytoconvincethepartnerthattheyareoverlyparanoidorimaginingthings。Theymayalsoattempttoblametheirpartnerforbeingoveremotional，uptight，orunresponsivesexually。Themorethedenialandmanipulationcontinue，themorethepartnerislikelytowithdrawintoselfdoubt。Atthispointovertthreatsofabandonmentmaybepartoftheaddictsarsenal。
　　Selfdefensestrategiesinrelationships
　　Thesituationofthepartnerwhoexperiencesgaslightingissimilarenoughtoothermentallycoercivesituationsthatthewaystodefendagainstitmaybeapplicabletoanyonewhoisunderpressuretogiveuptheirpower。
　　1。Rememberthatsomeonewhoisgaslightingyouisweakandinsecure。Theywilldoanythingtoavoidlosingcontrolandarefearfulofabandonment。Suchapersonneedspoweroveryoutofeelsafeandthemorepoweryougiveupthemoretheyseemtoneed。
　　2。Don’tbeashamedoffeelingjealousorthreatened。Thefearofbeingseenasparanoidispartofthemanipulation。Accusationsofbeingsickorparanoidaredesignedtoshameyouintoacceptingthingsthatmakeyouuncomfor。Theantidoteistobewillingtosaywhenyoufeelthreatenedoruncomforwithasituationandbeassertiveaboutwhatyouneed。
　　3。Attendtoinnercuesinsteadofbehavinginthewayyouthinkyoushouldortellingyourselfyouarebeingsilly。Payattentiontowhatfeelswrongtoyou。Manytimesthiswillbefeltasabodilysensation。Don’tignoreyourintuitionsitbychalkingthemuptoyourowninsecurities。
　　4。Don’tisolate。Romanceisnotaboutbeingpreoccupiedorobsessedwithsomeone。Andit’scertainlynotabouthidingandkeepingsomeone’ssecrets。Checkinwithsomeoneyoutrustotherthanyourpartner。
　　5。Don’targuewithsomeonewhoisgaslightingyou。Youdon’thavetoproveeverythingtotheirsatisfaction。ItisOKtojustsaywhatyoufeelandtodisagreewithsomeonewhoistryingtotalkyououtofit。It’snotamatteroflogic，soletthemgoonaboutpokingholesinyourrealityandstayconvincedthatwhatyoufeeliswhatyoufeel。
　　Loveinanintimate，committedrelationshipisonlypossiblebetweenequals。Gaslightinginintimaterelationshipsservestomakeyoufearfulanddisempoweredwhichisarecipefordisaster。Ifyoufeelshakenandfulloffearandselfdoubtthengetaway。Movetowardvalidation，atleastuntilyougetyourbearings。Anyonewhounderminesyoursenseofyourselfisn’tworthyofyou。