7WaysYourRelationshipCanChange

　　标题：7WaysYourRelationshipCanChangeWhoYouAre
　　source：psychologytodaybyTheresaEDiDonatoPh。D。
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　　We’veallgotthatfriendwhoneverpaidattentiontofootball，startstodateanewguy，andsuddenlynevermissesagame。Orwhataboutthatformersmokebreakbuddywhofinallyquit，butsaysithasnothingtodowithhisnewnonsmokinggirlfriend？Arethesemerecoincidences，orissomethingelseatwork？
　　Sure，relationshipsaredynamic，changingovertimeandwithnewsituations。Butarepeopleinrelationshipsdynamicaswell？Inotherwords：Hasyourrelationshipchangedyou？
　　Researchsuggeststhatpeopleareverymuchaffectedbythosearoundthem，andnotjustbehaviorally。Agrowingbodyofscientificevidencesuggeststhatpeople’sselfconceptsactuallychangewhenthey’rearelationship。Toevaluateyourownselfchange，andtounderstandothers’，here’swhatyouneedtoknow：
　　Fallinginlovefacilitatesselfchange。Theexperienceoffallinginloveisexhilarating，perhapsbecauseitpromotesastartlingdegreeofselfchange（Aron，Paris，Aron，1995）。Yougofromyou，toanewyou，onewhoseselfconcepthasintegratedaspectsofyourpartner。Ysachievementsorsorrowsareexperiencedassomewhatyourown，andyourpreferencesgrowtoembracehisorhers。
　　Somepeoplearemorepronetoselfchangethanothers。We’reallaffectedbythepeoplewelove，butsomeofusmoreso。Evidencesuggeststhatindividualswhoarehighonattachmentanxiety（i。e。，theyfearabandonmentandmayquestiontheirownselfworth）tendtohavehighlymalleableselfconceptsinrelationships（SGardener，2012）。
　　Healthyrelationshipsinvolveselfexpansion。Ifyou’veeverthoughtthatbeingwithsomeonemakesyouabetterperson，you’retappedintotheideaofselfexpansion，whichreferstopositiveselfgrowth（Aron，Aron，Tudor，Nelson，1991）；betterhalf。
　　Unhealthyrelationshipsmightmakeyouaworseperson。Selfgrowthdoesn’talwaysmeangainsinpositivetraitsorbehaviors（Mattingly，Lewandowski，McIntyre，2014）。Sometimesselfgrowthcanpullyoutowardsunhealthyhabitsorbehaviors，ormakeyoumoreanxious，whiny，crude，orhurtful。Thepotentialnegativechangesfromrelationshipsrevealtheimportanceofyourpartnerchoice。Inenteringarelationship，youriskbecomingsomeoneyoumightnotwishtobe。
　　Healthyrelationshipscanlessenbadhabits。Besidesselfconceptgrowth，theselfcanexperiencepruning，orthelesseningofunfavorablequalities（Mattinglyetal。，2014）。Maybeyouwereoncealoudtalker，anailbiter，oraheavydrinker，andbeingwithyourpartnerhaschangedthoseannoyingorunhealthyhabits。Suchrelationshipbasedpruningisconsideredawayofimprovingtheself。
　　Relationshipscanleadtoselfconstriction。Asmuchasanewlovecanparebadhabits，itmightcutawaysomegoodqualities，too。Newresearchsuggeststhatsometimesbeinginaromanticpartnershipmeanslosingfavorableaspectsoftheself（Mattinglyetal。，2014）。Ptheiroverallselfconceptmaylosepositivequalitiesastheybecomecloselytiedtotheirromanticpartner。
　　Breakupsrequiremassiveselfchange。Ithurts，strue：Alossoflovecanmeanalossofself。Manypeopleexperienceseriousselfconfusion（“Idon’tknowwhoIamanymore”）astheirselfconceptshrinkspostbreakup（Lewandowski，Aron，Bassis，Kunak，2006）。Whenadjustingtoabreakup，peoplefacethehardworkofdisentanglingthepartsoftheirselfconcepttheywishtokeepfromthosethatweretiedtotheirformerpartner，andarechargedwiththetaskofrebuildinganewsenseofself。
　　It’sclearthatourselfconceptsaren’tassaswemightthinkandthatoursignificantothershaveagreatdealofpowerinshapingourfutureselves。Weareprofoundlyaffectedbythosewelove，responding（unconsciously）totheirinfluenceandbecomingdifferentpeopleovertime。Allofthisechoestheimportanceofchoosingapartnercarefully，onewhohastraitsandcharacteristicsthatyouaspiretoward，sothatyoumightchangeinafavorabledirection。
　　Kreundertheinfluenceofyourpartner，yourpartnerisunderyourinfluenceaswell。Souseyourpowerwisely，andchooseapartnerwhoalreadyiswhatyouneedandarelookingfor，sothatyoucandevoteyourenergytoenjoyingyourtimetogether，ratherthantryingtochangethatpersonintosomeoneelse。